The miracle of birth in the uncanny valley


So, you’re done fooling around with your real doll want to settle down with a nice synthetic woman and start a family. Well, here’s just the thing for you. Her name is Noelle and she’s a birthing simulation mannequin. Now I warn you, the images contained herein are a disturbing look at what happens when a man loves $20,000 worth of silicon and servos too well.

Before you go plunking said 20k down, you should see what you, as the proud father to be, are getting. Well, lets see what we have in the box.

First off is Noelle, mother of your child. Quite a looker, no? Not the most modest of gals, but the arm cocked behind her head gives her a laid back style that makes her let-it-all-hang-out construction seem natural.

Next up we have our bouncing baby whatever. It’s just the cutest little thing. It’s got tubes and plunger dealies and a big blue wired control box, just like a real infant.

The real fun is getting the two together so that you can recreate the natural majesty of birth. Once you get everything unpacked, set up, calibrated, tested and filled with the appropriate fluids, you have one more decision to make. Breech or regular birth. I know, I know, I can barely pick my favorite either. For our first time out, lets not get too fancy and go the old fashioned head first route.

For this picture the manual advises us that one way not to lose this plug is to insert it into the rectum, which I’ve found is a good way not to lose anything.

Now gingerly nestle your lovechild into place, making sure to position the birthing piston. After the birth your infant will be comforted by snuggling up to Mommy and listening to the soothing hum of her birthing piston.

Once baby’s all set, close the pod bay door and get Mommy ready for the big day. Another helpful blurb from the manual advises us to keep the vulva lubricated.

So we’re go. Baby is ready for deployment, vulva is properly attended to and we’re ready for the miracle of nature, as the Lord intended. Unless the baby gets stuck. Then it might need a little coaxing.

After a little judicious force, it’s time to welcome our little bundle of joy into the world and point at its head

But the job’s not done yet. As the father you not only get to cut the umbilical cord, you have to cut Mommy a little too. So pull out your interchangable episiotomy incisions and see what angle most suits your beloved.

Bolt that sucker in place, grab the nearest tackle box for your sharpest fish hook and get to work sewing her up.
There. Baby’s out, Mommy’s shut up tight and life with your new family can begin.