Monday, October 29, 2007

The 30 Most Unsettling German Halloween Costumes

The 30 Most Unsettling German Halloween Costumes

According to some very expensive market research we conducted, this Halloween more than 75 percent peoples are planning on dressing up as Napoleon Dynamite, again. As we lament the sad state of America’s proudest holiday, inevitably the question arises, "How do the Germans practice Halloween? Are they much better at it than us? Like they are with pornography?"

It turns out that the answer is no. Despite their mastery of over the top, noholds-barred erotica, the German people have little to no skill at coming up with Halloween costumes that aren’t baffling or terrifying. Below we illustrate the most unsettling examples we could find.

"Of course you can use the phone; he’s standing over there. Oh, you, uh, have to dial ‘0’ to get an outside line. I know it’s normally ‘9.’ It’s weird. No, you’ll have to press harder than that; it’s a little sticky."

This is a pretty typical entry in the canon of unsettling German Halloween costumes. The combination of a grey,felt suit and a bizarrely realistic head, make this look like something out of a dream sequence in a David Lynch film.

Here’s the great emancipator, who, judging by his expression, is scheming up ways to emancipate children from their clothes.

A kangaroo costume isn’t a bad idea if you’re attending a party, as it gives you a convenient place to store food and drink. We’ll tell you from experience, reaching into your nether regions and pulling out a handful of onion dip is a great way to make conversation. Or, end it.

If we’re being generous, we’ll assume this is a friendly tadpole costume, and not a green sperm costume. Although, we’re frankly leaning towards the latter, given that it’s carrying around a towel, possibly to wipe itself off a magazine.

We’re not entirely sure what the cane adds to this costume. We guess it’s a good way to class it up a bit, and probably comes in handy if you need to fend off the cell phone guy when he gets too grabby.

In classical mythology, Neptune is one of the mightiest Gods, second only to Zeus in power. In Germany, he’s a skinny, lime-green Santa Claus.

Most people have heard that David Hasselhoff is extremely and unreasonably popular in Germany, but few know that Alf enjoys a similarly successful music career there, as well. This is because many Germans mistakenly believe the two are related.

According to the website we found it on, this costume is called "America Boy." Given that the costume is covered in the Union Jack, this is a title that misses the mark by just a whisker.

This is actually a pretty good example of the kind of geographical blunder Americans are always getting blamed for.

In German culture, the teddy bear is terrible authority figure used to warn children about the dangers of constipation.

The 30 Most Unsettling German Halloween Costumes

At first glance this just looks like a fish on end, until you see the face hole in the middle, at which point you realize it’s probably the stupidest costume, ever.

Although, watching two of these guys get into a fight would make excellent television.

After misinterpreting several scenes in the Wizard of Oz (1939) Hitler ordered his scientists to begin designing flying monkeys of his own, to match up against what he perceived to be a new Allied super weapon. This costume celebrates that moment, the darkest chapter of the war.

Well, here’s a slap in the balls. Thanks, Germany. You really managed to capture the majesty and grandeur of the subject

Another symbol of American greatness, reduced to rubble in the hands of German costumiers. This might actually be more insulting than the Statue of Liberty thing

If this costume doesn’t have a concealed gap in the crotch so that it can be worn while having sex, we will eat our hats.

Judging by the lack of visible air holes, and the very visible erection, this poor guy might be making the embarrassingly public discovery that he’s into auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Costume designers face a choice when designing the head of an animal costume. They can design the entire face, and provide concealed holes for the wearer to see and breathe. Or, they can make no face at all, and just have the wearer’s face stick out, with antlers or bunny ears added to complete the disguise.

Or, they can try and do both and end up with a terrifying creation that depicts an enormous bunny trying to swallow a severed human head.

You’ll always remember where you were the day you saw the worst turkey costume ever made.

Yes, those are full-sized adult costumes, designed to look like small children. And no, we don’t have any idea why. Oh sure, we could probably come up with an explanation. But, we wouldn’t be happy writing it, and you wouldn’t be happy reading it. Let’s just leave it be.

In the "making fun of costumes" racket, picking on superhero costumes is considered dirty pool. We inevitably compare them to the real movie costume they’re based on, which are usually worth thousands of dollars and are supported by legions of makeup artists and CGI wizards.

That said, here stands the worst Batman costumes ever. Though, it was a nice, subtle touch that the adult wore a pair of smart, Bruce Wayne shoes with the costume, as if he had to get his gear on short notice and forgot to change them.
Wait, it gets worse!
The 30 Most Unsettling German Halloween Costumes

Here’s Robin Hood, standing proudly with the weapon he’s least famous for. What’s wrong Germany, couldn’t you find a boomerang to give him?

These two represent the two houses of German parliament, according to an update we just posted on Wikipedia.

Do you see this ? Do you see?! Look into the true face of socialized medicine!

It's the neck trunks that make these costumes, since we're all picturing the guy chatting up another party guest while sucking down a nearby beer with his trunk (for the purposes of this scenario, we're assuming the guy just got a tracheotomy).

Hey, you know who would find this offensive? Cavemen. You know who else? Fucking everybody.

This costume relies on a well-known stereotype, the greedy Asian chef. In Germany, Asian chefs are routinely blamed for the country's ills.

Admittedly, we’ve grouped a bunch of the most racially tone-def costumes together; very few of the costumes we saw on German costume websites were this bad. But let’s be honest: These costumes should never have been made in the first place. It’s like they’ve never even seen a person in Germany who wasn’t white.

Could it get any worse than this?

Holy fuck.

Well, that looks utterly impractical. At least it’s kind of cute. Hey, we wonder what else could be done in this vein?

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Security Cameras With Guns

Robbers should better come up with some new plan for stealing now.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Britney Spears with Magician Criss Angel

Britney Spears was spotted heading into the Towers Hotel in Beverly Hills at 4am this morning with magician Criss Angel. The two were seen holding hands and headed up to a suite on the 11th floor together. Criss Angel has also been seen around with Paris Hilton and Cameron Diaz.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Artist sets sail in life-size paper boat

Artist Frank Boelter set sails in his lifesize paper boat as he leaves a shipyard in Lauenburg, Germany.
He constructed the 9-metre vessel from 'Tetrapack' and fearlessly sailed it up the Elbe, despite the fact the light material is more commonly used for packaging milk.The 37-year-old artist came up with the idea one breakfast time, while he was sitting at his kitchen table fiddling with an empty milk carton, which he cut up and made into a scaled-down model.

The £110 boat is 30 feet long, weighs 55 pounds, uses a 170-square-metre piece of Tetrapack paper, and took only two hours to construct.
Boelter waves to fans
Boelter said it will survive forty days before it disintegrates into a wet, sinking mass.
It is part of the artist's exhibition named 'Bis ans Ende der Welt' (Until the end of the world).
It's aqua-origami, all right, but is it art?

The boat is the MV Cahaba owned by Warrior and Gulf Navigation of Mobile, AL. The pictures were taken by an amateur photgrapher named Barger. This happened in April, 1979 at Demopolis, AL on the Warrior River. Nobody was seriously injured and the boat continued to it's destination with the barges. To my knowledge, the boat is still in service. The bridge has since been replaced.
Do not try this at home. Remember, this is a professional captain.
The towboat is approaching the bridge with barges loaded with coal.
This frame gives you an idea of how fast the river is running. Obviously at or near flood stage
Oh CRAP!!! The bridge didn't open and the boat can't stop. Notice that the tug has released the barges.
He is backing as hard as possible to try and avoid a collision with the bridge.
Can't back down enough against the current.
Uh Oh! The current has swung the boat around sideways.
The cook thinks maybe something isn't quite right.
The boss is going to be REAL mad!
Uh... Boss? Do we have flood insurance on this boat?
Uh.... Boss? You ain't gonna believe what we just did!
She's low, but the flag is still flying.
The wheelhouse door and the door in the second deck are now open.
Look close at the bottom righthand side of the picture and you will see that the bridge guardrail is underwater.
Look at the water pouring out of the second deck doorway.
Look at the water pouring out of the second deck doorway.
The working deck is still underwater, but rising.
Notice anything unusual? Look at the smoke coming from the exhausts. This thing is running!!!
Notice the propwash at the rear of the tug. The boat is upright and back under power.
Ho Hum. Just another day on the river.
There are some things about me that you are just unaware of, and this
instance is a fitting example. Please send this to all, my explanation.
And as Paul Harvey used to say..." that's the rest of the story..."
It was either late 1978 or early 1979, I have forgotten exactly, but anyway,
I am close on either... The river is the Tombigbee River and this happened
to be the record high water ever for that area. The towboat you see coming
down on the bridge is the Motor Vessel Cahaba owned by Warrior Gulf
Navigation out of Mobile, Alabama. Warrior Gulf is a subsidiary of
Pittsburg Steel. I know you are familiar with Birmingham's coal mines and
steel mills, and this company would haul iron pellets up to Birmingport and
off-load to make steel plate.
On the return the barges were filled with coal for export at the McDuffie
Coal Terminal at the mouth of the Mobile River and at the head of Mobile Bay.
The Bridge was the Old Rooster Bridge (since demolished and removed - I saw
the explosion to tear it down also) located below Demopolis, Alabama. The
land-side highway dead ends at the bluff, and you can still drive to this
site and imagine how high the river had to be to get to the bottom of the

The pass or Channel Span of the bridge was located on the far West side of
the river, or on the opposite bank from the photographer's standpoint. In
normal river flow, we would drop down near the rock bluff and steer through
the opening to pass southward with our tows of coal barges. Normal loads
were six barges, each measuring 195' X 35' and loaded to a 10' draft. This
allowed each barge to carry approximately 2,000 tons of coal (times six =
12,000 tons X 2000 pounds = 24 Million pounds of cargo.)

The boat is 1800Horsepower twin engine diesel built in Pine Bluff, Arkansas. It is named
after one of the eight "friendly" Indian tribes. It is the Motor Vessel
Cahaba. At the "sticks" or helm is Captain Jimmie Wilkerson, a long time
river pilot and was my personal friend - since deceased. The river current
was so very treacherous that we were forced to drop down to the bridge in
the slack(er) water on the left descending bank and when we got down to the
bridge, we uncoupled the boat from the barges and let the barges drift down
under the bridge. The bottom of the bridge would "shave" the coal stacked
in the barges off to a level surface. The next step was to back the vessel
upriver and then go over to the far West side and traverse the bridge's
channel span with the boat, and run down and catch the barges. It was just
too dangerous to try to bring the barges through the bridge span in the
Anyway, Jimmie dropped down properly and with the entire rest of the crew
standing on the barges for safety, he began to reverse his engines to back
away. His stern would have to be kept directly pointed into the current or
the boat would travel sideways like a kite without it's tail. Captain Jim
was a fine pilot, but he made a small mistake and his stern was caught in
the current, twisted sideways and the river smashed him into the bridge
sideways. Notice that the boat re-surfaced right side up on the down stream
side. What luck you say? Nope, WGN ballasted all their vessels with three
to four feet of cement in the bottom. The boat was like a little yellow
rubber duckie, and came back up like a duckie oughta do. The boat suffered
major cosmetic damages, but little flooding because of water tight doors,
except in the pilothouse. Notice the picture where the boat is not quite
righted and you can see water pouring out of the wheelhouse door. The chair
washes out, and Jimmie told me he was holding on to the controls with all
his might to keep from going out the drain and into the river. He was very
shook up and you can see him approach the tow of barges downriver. Well he
didn't get it together quite soon enough and he smashed into the barges,
causing further damage.
I next saw Jimmie about a month after this and we had a cup of coffee
together and talked about the incident. He was smoking a Camel Non-filter
but didn't even need an ashtray beacuse his hands were still shaking too
much for the ash to build up to any degree.
How do I know all this? I was on the boat that went through the bridge
immediately before the Cahaba. The Motor Vessel James E. Philpott made the
bridge and was headed south at close to 15 MPH. For all you who don't
understand, that is very fast on a commercial towboat with that much